She
I think we live in a very confusing time. Clear gender roles and communication patters seem to no longer exist. Layer that with scars and emotional defenses, it is hard!
He
Where are you at with Friendlationships?
She
Um, I don't know . . . Chapter 4? I am assuming you mean the book, not my actual life; because with that, I would say I am stuck with being honest. Isn't that like pre chapter one?
He
Stuck with honest?
She
Well, not honest, but actually telling people you like them. That's harder to do than to read in my experience.
He
Ah yes.
She
Oh adulthood, why are you so full of hard conversations, taxes, and late nights working? I thought you would be all about driving and vacations and having things more together!
He
Or at least more directness in communication. But nope . . . just as complicated, if not more so.
She
Thank you. SO true. And I thought I would have less fear of rejection. Now more feels to be on the line.
He
Do you think that someone's fear of rejection could be a cause for keeping someone she is actually interested in at a distance?
She
It could be, yes.
He
Would that be common or rarer in your opinion?
She
I am not sure. I think there are several factors that play into it. For example, does this person have a background in church teaching that strongly promotes that a guy should be the initiator and that flirting is never good. If so, a woman might be more hesitant and distant. Or does one have a history that would make them think they aren't worthy or good enough? Or are they a risk taker in general? Because if a person avoids risk and tends toward certainty in other areas of their life, they would avoid expressing their interest even if they are interested. Or does this person have a history of choosing the wrong type of person? Then they may not trust their gut about liking someone. So, I am not sure if it generally leans one way or the other. What do you think?
He
Very wise thoughts. It seems aligned with what I would surmise about women, in particular, though not necessarily limited to women only. In my experience, men seem to often struggle with courage in light of potential rejection - or more lately the will to commit, which is really just a kind of advanced fear in terms of the aforementioned.
She
What can women do to "leave the door open", so to speak, for men who may be interested? I have always been curious how a woman can make a man feel comfortable. Interestingly, having watched my friends in this process, when a guy was really interested, he really just stepped up.
He
Yeah, the common tale is probably of a man "stepping up" or just "persisting" in some way.
She
But here is what I think: For every story where a guy did that, I think he somehow tested the waters first while the woman just may have not been aware of it. I think that comes out later when you hear a couple talk about the relationship.
He
You are probably right. Sometimes "testing the waters" results in failure or just not enough feedback to go on, which then lends itself to the man having to decide whether to continue with a new "strategy" or to give space in hopes that feelings will change - to persist, in other words, or to just move on . . . Some individuals have much stronger wills - more emotional endurance - than others. That brings me back to wishing people were more direct at this stage of life.
She
Right? You make excellent points. Honestly, I think you men have the harder job.
He
For me, at least, I appreciate having the social expectation (power?) to make the initiative. Women can take the initiative, but the health of that is more debated - namely in churches. I struggle having to just wait on someone. I appreciate being able to work, have a sense of progress – real or imagined - in the meantime. Some women probably adopt that attitude. So, in summary, it is probably the same: both men and women have to wait in certain scenarios. Each has to harbor courage at some point. Each has to be vulnerable. Each has to take a step into the unknown, to walk along the precipice of utter failure while the path of meaningful transformation (i.e. life) winds ahead. Perhaps the nuances between the sexes are just different.
She
Well put! It is just good practice (I imagine) for dying to the self in marriage. It's still hard. It's still putting the other person first, but it may look different for the sexes.
He
Right. Perhaps much of the nuances are in needs, which though somewhat subjective for each individual in terms of priority, may have trends in gender terms. That is where most "relationship" texts seem to focus. I think that is partly why Friendlationships' more pragmatic tone was refreshing.
She
Now I can't wait to finish reading it.
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