What defines you?
Before reading on, I encourage you to actually think about this question—to look away from your laptop or put down your smart phone. Try to detach from your surroundings for at least sixty seconds and bask in a moment of silent, contemplative solitude. Time yourself. An actual minute can feel long, even intimidating. But try. Truly think about the question.
(Nope, do not read ahead yet.)
What ideas came to the forefront of your thoughts?
Did your self-image begin with your external features—face, eyes, hair, body type, and whether you are satisfied with them? Did you think of your gender, race, or social class? What about your job, family, relational status, religion, or dreams for the future? Did you consider your place in time and space?
The nature of the original question is about identity, about the characteristics that make each of us unique. It is not only about self-image, but self worth. It is ultimately about being aware of how we present ourselves and are received. It is about confidence and choice.
In a common conversation, the subject of identity would probably not be broached in this way. Furthermore, to get to know someone, the leading question(s) will usually vary depending on the other’s life stage. For example: “What is your name?” and “How old are you?” might begin an interaction with a child. Later as a high school student, that child may be asked about her favorite subject or extracurricular endeavor; while specifically as a senior being pressed about what she wishes to study, and at what university. “Where are you from?” and “What’s your major?” might begin the conversation among her first-year college peers; and then “What are you going to do next?” can burden the approach to graduation.
Do you notice a thematic shift in these questions?
Granted, this example presumes a society where gender equality is fundamentally honored, both in educational and vocational opportunities. Moreover, note that though gender, race, and social class are important aspects of identity, I want to steer away from delving too deeply into their nuanced implications. In other words, while I appreciate their influence, my focus in this writing aims to be broader, as I began to do five years ago with my post, “What is Identity?”
So, consider further with me my example of questions posed to a maturing young woman: Immersed in “post-theoretical” life, or what some misleadingly call “the real world”—either way, referring to no longer being a student in a formal academic institution—our imagined heroine might be met with questions about what she does, which almost always implies profession. Yet among family, and particularly Christian church environments, another question often accompanies or is the subtext to such questions. Expressed in a variety of ways, they essentially drive at relational status (e.g. Are you married? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you seeing/pursuing/interested in anyone?). If the answer is “No,” then for the bolder or brasher inquisitor, the next question may be “Why not?”
It is on this last theme of questioning that I wish to linger.
Of course, there are a myriad of ways that a person can navigate these questions; and the tone of such—friendly or defensive, honest or evasive—will be framed by the context of trust between the people involved in conversation. In the family and church contexts, being married and having children, at least by a certain age, seem to be received as the more acceptable or understandable response. That can be true for certain vocational pursuits as well, but that is another theme.
In this writing, I aim to drawn our focus on how relational status influences self-image and “social-image” (i.e. how others perceive and receive oneself). It is interesting how being single or unmarried raises a distinct line of questioning, voiced or not, that differ from those related to being married. For the most part, this is normal and to be expected.
But as we prepare to investigate this theme of identity further, it is important not to lose track of the initial question: What defines me? But from that, I also want to ask: How do I define other people? These are the underlying questions. For how one answers the first influences how one answers the second.
The layers of identity not only thicken with life experience, but perhaps subtly direct our attention from intrinsic to extrinsic markers. Put more simply: as we age, identity seems to transition from being centered on origin (e.g. I am a child of this family), personal strengths and interests (e.g. personality) to vocational, marital, and parental statuses. So for those who are married, identity returns to a kind of original framework: family. Not that one can ever fully dissociate from a biological family identity. As one’s parents get older, for example, the reality of being a son or daughter takes on additional meaning. Still, unlike being a child whose life is mainly orchestrated by her parents; as a more independent adult, the biological family identity can experience some tension with the additional layers, especially those related to vocation. This may be because a career offers its own definitions of security, purpose, and even family (in the broader sense). Many people struggle to resolve this tension between family and career. However, I would challenge views that define the struggle as being a simple choice between one or the other. The sources and reasons for tensions in identity are difficult to summarize. Each life has a myriad of variables, and rarely do they allow nicely compartmentalized moral conclusions.
Yet there is still another facet to consider. If there is or can be a return to an “original” sense of self (i.e. that of a child), it seems the most common bridge—a means for connection, even balance—is the search for God, for a transcendent meaning, security, and purpose. I consider this further in “What is Identity?”
Overall, the layers of identity can perhaps be organized under three main themes: family, vocation, and spirituality. None can be dissociated from the others, however; like the relationship between past, present, and future.
Do you begin to grasp the beautiful complexity of all this?
Understanding identity—not to mention the idea of communal identity—becomes more complicated when we realize how we project ourselves onto others, consciously or not. After all, we are limited beings. Therefore, it is natural to interpret the world through our personal or subjective frame of vision. This is not only about how we see and interprets the world (physically and cognitively: knowledge)—what could be called a relationship between present and past—but how we perceive reality and maintain (accept), improve (build upon), or alter (rebel against, reconstruct) that reality, both at an individual and societal scale. In these last opportunities, there is creation: an adopted view of the future united with present and past. Identity is, therefore, also influenced by our relationship with time (temporality): what we know, believe, and hope for. In this, time can be thought of as a thread that unites our three themes of identity: family, vocation, and spirituality.
But enough abstraction. What does this have to do with the marriage? And what is “The Marriage Idol”?
This re-introduction of the broader notions of identity is intended to provide a conceptual context for interpreting the influence of marriage on one’s self-image and self worth.
But before I proceed, I would value your feedback (please select one of the following):
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