The Marriage Idol, Part 2

Reexamining some Ideas

In Part 1, I introduce the beautiful complexity of identity, suggesting its influence not only on self-image, but how an individual perceives others and how others in turn perceive that individual. As I began to write this second post[1], I realized that before I can present the heart of the matter, I should reexamine some ideas to further develop the context from which I am writing. These ideas are love, marriage, and idolatry.

What is Love?

Marriage at its healthiest and most inspiring cannot be understood detached from love. In fact, a meaningful human existence cannot exist without love. But what is love? Its most powerful manifestation is God (YHWH), in history made most tangible through Jesus of Nazareth, called Christ, who lived, died, and resurrected on earth as a particular man in a particular time in history (this concept summarized succinctly in Philippians 2:1-11). In short, God is love: “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love” (I John 4:7-8).

God’s love is ultimately a call to an intimate relationship with our Creator. In this, one is welcomed to a life of belonging—not only as a child of God, but an heir of His goodness. In this, one joins a global community called the Church, which echoes God’s Kingdom on earth through participating in His “Great Campaign.” This call offers an individual and communal purpose characterized by hope and meaning. I expound upon this in “What is Love?”, relate it more directly to my personal identity in “A Confession,” and consider its effectiveness in “Hunger vs.Ambition.”

Or as the apostle Paul of Tarsus writes, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends” (I Corinthians 13:4-8a).

Overall, it is important to remember that God chooses to love us, despite our frailty—our propensity for fear, selfishness, hurting ourselves and others. Choice. God’s love is a gift of immense grace. For those who choose to follow and emulate the sacrificial servant leadership of Jesus Christ, there is a call to love others in the same way.

What is Marriage?

As one writer expresses it so simply and profoundly: “You don’t fall in love. You discover it. Then it’s built” (see “No One Really Falls in Love”). Writer Benjamin Sledge adds his own honest perspective in “The Single Greatest Lesson We Should Know about Love (But Forgot).” Or Tim Keller might add, “You Never Marry the Right Person.”

Marriage does not just happen to someone, in other words. It is another example of choice.

I explore the idea of marriage extensively in my three-part series, “Why Marry Someone?” so will avoid restating it all here. In short, marriage is a consolidation of love’s many forms, such as compassion, friendship, and perhaps most uniquely, physical intimacy. Marriage represents a mysterious, intense expression of a particularly kind of relationship between two people. But it is not the only expression.

What is Idolatry?

The conceptual spark for my writing about “The Marriage Idol” was Josh Fox’s analysis of the Old Testament narrative of the Golden Calf (Exodus 32; 1 Corinthians 10:1-8).[2] It led me to reconsider certain experiences and conversations about marriage. From golden calf to romance—a strange progression, I know.

It is important to consider what an idol is. The Oxford English Dictionary begins to define idol as an “image or representation of a god used as an object of worship.” God is defined as “1. (in Christianity and other monotheistic religions) the creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority; the supreme being; 2. (in certain other religions) a superhuman being or spirit worshipped as having power over nature or human fortunes; a deity; [or] 3.1. A thing accorded the supreme importance appropriate to a god.” The last definition is the broadest, but may be most helpful in this discussion. Furthermore, note that the verb, worship, means to “Show reverence and adoration for (a deity).”

In the orthodox Christian faith[3], God is to be directly worshipped as opposed to our worshipping some representation of Him. While there are icons and images portraying Jesus Christ or the narratives of the Bible, and while a Bible may be placed at the center of a church’s place of worship, all usually serve to remind and teach; they are not to be confused with idols. There are nuances that could be discussed about iconography, church architecture, and liturgy, but that exceeds the scope of this current writing.

In short, for the Christ-follower at least, to worship anything other than God as preeminent is to slip into idolatry. In a broader sense, it is about considering what my identity is grounded on.

For example, in the story of the Golden Calf, a majority of the Israelites invest in a shifty lie that lingers today—that God is holding out on me or us. As happened to the Israelites—in this story impatient and uncertain about Moses’ return from Mt. Sinai—this can lead to rushing God’s timing and/or to settling for less than His best, substituting Him with something else, which concurrently attempts to rob God of His glory. Granted, it can be difficult to accept a delay to personal hopes and expectations. Instead of trusting God, it is tempting to turn to something more tangible or that seems controllable. It can be hard to trust God, especially when it is difficult to understand His will. It is nice to be in control.

So in a way, idolatry is about control. In the tension between faith and fear, there is a struggle for control. Granted, some idols develop from things God intended to be good. Some common ones may be romantic love when distorted by the lie that it completes me, money when masquerading as a means to attain personal security, and success when it comes to define my worth. Perhaps even identity itself can be idolized. For how many people obsess over their image, physical or digital when provided the means to change, curate, customize and/or edit how they are each presented (e.g. on social media)?

To avoid the snare of idolatry, we are called to remember what God is like—namely, that He is not one to hold out on us. After all, the good news (gospel) of Jesus Christ is that God gave all of himself to free and protect us from our own limitations, corrupting excuses, frailty (see John 3:16-21).

God’s love proposes the truest of marriages: intimacy with our Creator. To reject this love is to choose something other than God for meaning. As God is the origin of all that is good, to reject Him is, therefore, perhaps to settle for an imitation of good. It is to choose an idol.

But that is not exactly what I mean by “The Marriage Idol.” While it could be a start to understanding why so many marriages crumble, including in the Church, I have something subtler in mind, and more related to being single or how people engage with those who are. While to reject God is the most self-destructive choice a person can make, for his or her past, present, and future; there may be a social trend that is proving almost as damaging to individual identity.

Read the Final Part

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[1] Originally, I only intended for there to be one post for this whole idea.

[2] “The Call” (Part 12). Sermon at WestGate Church on 22 July, 2018. Available at: http://www.westgatechurch.org/westgate-teaching/thecall-week12.

[3] Orthodox = “Following or conforming to the traditional or generally accepted rules or beliefs of a religion, philosophy, or practice” (Oxford English Dictionary).

The Marriage Idol, Part 1

Re-Introducing Identity

What defines you?

Before reading on, I encourage you to actually think about this question—to look away from your laptop or put down your smart phone. Try to detach from your surroundings for at least sixty seconds and bask in a moment of silent, contemplative solitude. Time yourself. An actual minute can feel long, even intimidating. But try. Truly think about the question.

(Nope, do not read ahead yet.)

What ideas came to the forefront of your thoughts?

Did your self-image begin with your external features—face, eyes, hair, body type, and whether you are satisfied with them? Did you think of your gender, race, or social class? What about your job, family, relational status, religion, or dreams for the future? Did you consider your place in time and space?

The nature of the original question is about identity, about the characteristics that make each of us unique. It is not only about self-image, but self worth. It is ultimately about being aware of how we present ourselves and are received. It is about confidence and choice.

In a common conversation, the subject of identity would probably not be broached in this way. Furthermore, to get to know someone, the leading question(s) will usually vary depending on the other’s life stage. For example: “What is your name?” and “How old are you?” might begin an interaction with a child. Later as a high school student, that child may be asked about her favorite subject or extracurricular endeavor; while specifically as a senior being pressed about what she wishes to study, and at what university. “Where are you from?” and “What’s your major?” might begin the conversation among her first-year college peers; and then “What are you going to do next?” can burden the approach to graduation.

Do you notice a thematic shift in these questions?

Granted, this example presumes a society where gender equality is fundamentally honored, both in educational and vocational opportunities. Moreover, note that though gender, race, and social class are important aspects of identity, I want to steer away from delving too deeply into their nuanced implications. In other words, while I appreciate their influence, my focus in this writing aims to be broader, as I began to do five years ago with my post, “What is Identity?”

So, consider further with me my example of questions posed to a maturing young woman: Immersed in “post-theoretical” life, or what some misleadingly call “the real world”—either way, referring to no longer being a student in a formal academic institution—our imagined heroine might be met with questions about what she does, which almost always implies profession. Yet among family, and particularly Christian church environments, another question often accompanies or is the subtext to such questions. Expressed in a variety of ways, they essentially drive at relational status (e.g. Are you married? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you seeing/pursuing/interested in anyone?). If the answer is “No,” then for the bolder or brasher inquisitor, the next question may be “Why not?”

It is on this last theme of questioning that I wish to linger.

Of course, there are a myriad of ways that a person can navigate these questions; and the tone of such—friendly or defensive, honest or evasive—will be framed by the context of trust between the people involved in conversation. In the family and church contexts, being married and having children, at least by a certain age, seem to be received as the more acceptable or understandable response. That can be true for certain vocational pursuits as well, but that is another theme.

In this writing, I aim to drawn our focus on how relational status influences self-image and “social-image” (i.e. how others perceive and receive oneself). It is interesting how being single or unmarried raises a distinct line of questioning, voiced or not, that differ from those related to being married. For the most part, this is normal and to be expected.

But as we prepare to investigate this theme of identity further, it is important not to lose track of the initial question: What defines me? But from that, I also want to ask: How do I define other people? These are the underlying questions. For how one answers the first influences how one answers the second.

Are any of the aforementioned questions inherently wrong? No, not necessarily. I am not really interested in making moral judgments. Rather, I am interested in building awareness; that we not only understand ourselves better (i.e. individual identity), but also the influence of identity on human interaction. That there seems to be a thematic shift in approaching identity as someone ages, particularly as it concerns relational status.

The layers of identity not only thicken with life experience, but perhaps subtly direct our attention from intrinsic to extrinsic markers. Put more simply: as we age, identity seems to transition from being centered on origin (e.g. I am a child of this family), personal strengths and interests (e.g. personality) to vocational, marital, and parental statuses. So for those who are married, identity returns to a kind of original framework: family. Not that one can ever fully dissociate from a biological family identity. As one’s parents get older, for example, the reality of being a son or daughter takes on additional meaning. Still, unlike being a child whose life is mainly orchestrated by her parents; as a more independent adult, the biological family identity can experience some tension with the additional layers, especially those related to vocation. This may be because a career offers its own definitions of security, purpose, and even family (in the broader sense). Many people struggle to resolve this tension between family and career. However, I would challenge views that define the struggle as being a simple choice between one or the other. The sources and reasons for tensions in identity are difficult to summarize. Each life has a myriad of variables, and rarely do they allow nicely compartmentalized moral conclusions.

Yet there is still another facet to consider. If there is or can be a return to an “original” sense of self (i.e. that of a child), it seems the most common bridge—a means for connection, even balance—is the search for God, for a transcendent meaning, security, and purpose. I consider this further in “What is Identity?”

Overall, the layers of identity can perhaps be organized under three main themes: family, vocation, and spirituality. None can be dissociated from the others, however; like the relationship between past, present, and future.

Do you begin to grasp the beautiful complexity of all this?

Understanding identity—not to mention the idea of communal identity—becomes more complicated when we realize how we project ourselves onto others, consciously or not. After all, we are limited beings. Therefore, it is natural to interpret the world through our personal or subjective frame of vision. This is not only about how we see and interprets the world (physically and cognitively: knowledge)—what could be called a relationship between present and past—but how we perceive reality and maintain (accept), improve (build upon), or alter (rebel against, reconstruct) that reality, both at an individual and societal scale. In these last opportunities, there is creation: an adopted view of the future united with present and past. Identity is, therefore, also influenced by our relationship with time (temporality): what we know, believe, and hope for. In this, time can be thought of as a thread that unites our three themes of identity: family, vocation, and spirituality.

But enough abstraction. What does this have to do with the marriage? And what is “The Marriage Idol”?

This re-introduction of the broader notions of identity is intended to provide a conceptual context for interpreting the influence of marriage on one’s self-image and self worth.

Read Part 2

But before I proceed, I would value your feedback (please select one of the following):

1. A Question for those who are single.
2. A Question for those who are married or in a relationship.